GREATNESS HAS DECEIVED US.
From the day I took my first step, I have been wandering this land as a mad man; I have been fighting the waves in vain; my heart has been so cold, until the day you touched it. I remember it as if it was yesterday, that day; the day we met. I remember how heavenly it was; the birds were as an angelic choir. I remember how the flowers, in all their colours, danced in the breeze. I remember how vibrant your smile was. I remember how gently and lovingly you held my hand and step after step, the promises flowed out of your mouth as a melody.
Staring at the mountain before us, heights unheard of; heights unexplored, filled me with terror, but as you stared into my eyes steadfastly, you assured me that the crown is mine. As we gazed into the heavens, you promised to clothe me with such glory and that my dwelling place would be beyond the sky, just as the stars. You promised to make them bow before me; they would kiss my feet, you said.
But, many days and nights have gone by and still, all around me, all I am seeing are thorny bushes and cracked ground. The hellish heat and the bone-piercing cold make me want to give up and look back, but His whispers will not let me; I do not know how my faith became so strong. I feel betrayed; you have fooled me. A few days ago, my hand was in your hand as you led me; as I gave you my trust, but now, you seem so distant; so far away. I stare into the distance, at the land far ahead; the land flowing with milk and honey and there, I see you reign. I look up, at the mountain, and there you are, waiting, with the crown in your hands. I gaze into the heavens, and there you are, shining amongst the stars; why won’t you hold my hand again?
I want to give up all hope but my heart will not let me; your promises are engraved on it just as God’s law and I know that my heart cannot deceive me. Well then, if you are not going to give me your hand or your words, at least, be kind enough to lend me your ears:
Greatness! As you held my hand, why didn’t you tell me about the loneliness? I am longing for that touch; a hand on my shoulder, I am longing for those words; full of comfort and strength, I am longing for the warmth; someone’s bosom against mine, I am longing for the companionship; a hand in my hand, someone to walk this journey with, but all around me, the wind blows mercilessly; tossing me about, and all that is keeping me warm is the raging flame that you lit within me.
One by one, you took them all away, you severed the cords that bound us; as a gardener uproots the weeds in his garden. At first, I hated you for it, thinking your actions inhumane; but as the days go by, I see the branches begin to blossom and now I know that you set me free.
I look into their eyes but they quickly look away. With humility, I utter some warm words but my words are left to shiver in their prideful silence. I try to hold their hands but they clench their fingers and with contempt, pull away. They see me and they run, those who do not run stare from a distance, careful not to come close. I have now witnessed that no one is a friend to the man who is carrying his cross. But, I will not be discouraged; I will not lose hope, because, I know that the third day is coming; my resurrection is coming.
Greatness! As you stared into my eyes, why didn’t you tell me about the sleepless nights? In the midnight hour, as men rest; as their wounds heal; as they receive divine revelations; as they recollect the memories and dream of endless possibilities, I toss and turn in the darkness, eyes wide open and no, it is not because of fear but your promises that haunt me.
Day and night, I have no rest; your promises are constantly tormenting me as a demon torments the souls. At night, I try to close my eyes but you will not let me, you would be jealous if I had another dream. But on some nights, whilst you have lowered your guard, I have managed to close my eyes, losing myself in the deep; but just as I am about to fall deeper, you wake me up inhumanly, in the sacred hours, and command me to serve you as a witch serves the evil spirits.
As you gently led me, step after step, why; why didn’t you tell me about their mockery? With each step, their laughter grows louder and their words become sharper. I hear them say, “Who do you think you are boy? What are you trying? Where do you think you are going? Are you even aware of what you are doing? Stop wasting your time! Who is going to help you? Who is holding your hand? Wake up fool, stop dreaming, can’t you see that; it is impossible! Ahahahahah…!”
With each step; I am learning how to numb the pain, with each step; I am learning how to disregard their mockery, and now, their words have become wood for the fire that rages within and soon, they shall be consumed.
Greatness! As you promised me the land, the mountains, the stars; the whole world; why didn’t you tell me about the sacrifice? I am giving you all of my time, day and night I think of nothing else but you; even God himself must be jealous, I pray He forgives me. I have broken all those ties; proving my loyalty to you. Every day I bleed, every day my sweat pours, every day my tears flow; you are the source of my pain; what else, do you demand from me? I will not withhold anything, even a single strand of my hair; is it my very own life; my very own breath? I am ready to lay it down.
Greatness! While in the calm and quiet, why didn’t you tell me about the battles I face? I know not peace; I want to run but my feet drag, I want to build but my hands idle, I want to envision but my mind wanders around futile desires, I want to see the light but my eyes are drowning in the darkness; I am strong but I am weak; Greatness! You never told me I would be my own enemy! But, even though my flesh persists, I will not give up; I will keep on fighting; I will keep on fighting myself and the Spirit shall prevail.
As you assured me of the victory, why didn’t you tell me about the risks? Days and nights have gone by since I set out and with each step, the temptations become stronger and the trials tougher. I look to the left; I look to the right; I look back, and all I am seeing are thorny bushes and cracked ground. If not the hunger nor the thirst, then, it is the beasts that will kill me. In the darkness, I hear them roar, eager to devour. I want to run but where will I run? I try to break free but your yoke is securely fastened around my neck. There is no other way, I have to obey; I have to follow where you lead, you are my only hope.
A few days ago, as I stood by your side, the shackles of time were loosened and it felt like eternity; an eternity in paradise, but now, it feels like I have fallen into the flames of hell and the torment is endless. I stare at the clock and the seconds are as minutes; the minutes as hours; the hours as days, Greatness! When will I stare into your eyes; when will I hold your hand again? But, even though the flames surround, I will not lose hope; I will not cower, because I know that His mighty hand will deliver me.
Greatness! As you promised me the crown; the throne, why didn’t you tell me that I would have to bow before them? They stand at the doors; holding the keys. Before stepping into greater heights, I have to approach them with my chest tucked in, my head lowered and I can’t stare into their eyes. Once at their feet, I have to prove myself worthy; don’t they know who I am? I have to soften my voice and please them with many promises.
As I bravely took my first steps, why didn’t you tell me that I would have to crawl? The arrows are flying ceaselessly, my strength, hope and will are not enough; I fall on my knees, wanting to give up but the visions keep recurring. So, I close my eyes and ask Him to be my strength. As I tremble, I hear Him whisper: “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous; do not be afraid or discouraged, for I am with thee wherever you go.”
With my strength renewed, I get back up, eager to journey on but the arrows are still whistling by. First step, second step…I fall again, but no; no more tears; no more fear, with His words sewed to my heart with the needle of faith and the thread of trust, I lift my head up, looking ahead and with my hands, I crawl forward; I carry on, nothing will stop me.
The wind is strong but I stagger on; the waves are pounding but I paddle on; the boulders are heavy but I stumble on. The valleys are deep and dark, but I have not cowered; when the beasts roar, I do not run; I stand and fight, and the scars are many. The distance is great and the wait long but my mind is made up, I will not look back; I will not back down. Greatness! You did not tell me that I would have to be this strong.
In the fears, in the tears, in the weakness, in the loneliness…in all the pain, I hear your faint whispers, “Don’t give up, the finish line draweth nigh!” you say; till we meet again, Greatness!
By, Musa Jumba.